tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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