Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
