I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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