I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize
