If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
