Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
