yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
