So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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