i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Randomize
