Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
