well you can't waste a boner
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
