So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
