I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize