If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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