I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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