I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
