the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
