Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
