I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
