yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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