Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Liz is crying about burritos again.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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