Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
