Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
