Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I did not marry a roomba.
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