Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize