My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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