Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
