Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
