If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
