I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
