We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
