Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Randomize
