Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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