Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Randomize
