A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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