I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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