drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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