There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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