I think I won the penis lottery.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize