why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
