mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize