i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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