you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize