I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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