my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
