Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
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