On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
