Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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