I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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