So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
