If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
