I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
