So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize