My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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