i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Randomize