i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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