if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
