I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
