im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Randomize
