HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Randomize
