btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
what day is it and did you see me today?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
