My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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