I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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